Unlike you I am a strict vegan. I do not allow my enzyme-rich children to eat any animal products, nor does my lovely wife Hellen. Know this: Purity is taken very seriously in my perfect vegan home. I try to teach the kids how to live right and one of the things I've been keen on is giving them chores, which they never do.

The farm has lots of work to do on it and it never seems to be done. Hellen slaves away constantly like a 17-th century Negro in America or a 16-th century European in North Africa. I do not have time to help because I am usually too busy with aquiring my ham radio operator's license. But the kids, who don't have to pay a dime for their room and board, should lend a helping hand.

The kids are home schooled. They don't have to do a damn thing. While most kids spend their forming years learning which year Freud was born and comitting to memory the list Presidents, mine just do an hour of book work every few days and it suffices to educate them enough to pass the state exams. They have so much free time. What do they do with it? Usually they just piss away the day eating corn (or as the Indians call it, Maize) and shit like that. Apple spend an enormous amount of time in the bathroom, probably discovering himself, but one problem at a time.

I have come up with the following solution. I have assigned chores and for each completed chore there will be remuneration as follows:
Mow the lawn: 5 minutes of Grand Theft Auto
Sweep the dairy floor: 3 minutes of GTA
Clean out the sheep stalls: 5 minutes GTA per stall
Butcher sheep or poultry: 4 minutes GTA

The list goes on like that but it has so far been amazingly effective. The kids even wake up early in the morning to do their chores! Comments?