Last week I went to WalMart, or as I like to call it "Wally's Shroom Mart" (because you can buy everything needed to grow magic mushrooms except spores there). I had just finished work, I'd been out of work for three weeks so it felt good to have money again. I thought that since I had some money I would buy some food. I like nachos and salsa so I went to find a bargain-sized container of salsa.

Last week I went to WalMart, or as I like to call it "Wally's Shroom Mart" (because you can buy everything needed to grow magic mushrooms except spores there). I had just finished work, I'd been out of work for three weeks so it felt good to have money again. I thought that since I had some money I would buy some food. I like nachos and salsa so I went to find a bargain-sized container of salsa.

I was delighted to find out that they had 4-pound jugs of cheap salsa. I would have a nacho feast! Then I looked at the label...

GET A FREE PUMP WHEN YOU BUY TWO 4-POUND JUGS OF SALSA

A free salsa pump. Could it really be true. Instead of buying just one jug, I bought two. I wanted a salsa pump. A free one was tits on nips. I found the order form on www.pacefoods.com and printed it out. I was so happy.

I've been smoking cigarettes, having a horrible time keeping vegan, not doing any yoga, masturbating a few times a day, and keeping myself busy with all sorts of trivial shit. When I first got my dreads I was on a big spiritual kick. Run off to California, live in the woods, and find myself. This was two years ago. Now I go to college part time, deliver pizza to people part time, write software and do computer shit during my free time, eat bullshit processed food, and do very little that would resemble the true hippy lifestyle. This is where I find myself right now: BEING EXCITED ABOUT GETTING A FREE SALSA PUMP BY BUYING 8 POUNDS OF SALSA AT WALMART! Can't get much more hippy than that. My hair gets me lots of attention, people make all sorts of assumptions when they meet me. I don't really want the attention and most of the assumptions are no longer true. I really want to get back on the serious track.

The best explanation I know of for dreads is that they are a strange metaphor for personal growth. You have to die before you are reborn. I unceremoniously cut them off and shaved my head last night at 2:00am. Today I feel great. I kicked the ciggies to the curb, had a nice healthy raw-foods meal for breakfast and lunch, and am trying to keep my head in check. Life is such a trip.