There is something inherently demented about PEZ, something undeniably twisted about tilting Tweety Bird's head backward to receive a little sugar brick from the bird's neck. What sort of crazed lunatic thought this would be clever?
Given the gullible nature of certain people, I am quite surprised that there are not more whiplash related spinal/neck injuries from people attemtping to extract candy from the necks of their friends. It all seems so innocent and simple, until your own head is lashed backwards as a grubby hand gapes at your throad, searching for sugary goodness.
Think for a moment the "anatomy" of the PEZ dispenser. Besides the head, you have a rectangular shaft with a rudimentary, spring-loaded elevator used to push the candy upwards to the head. As the head is tilted backwards, the top vertebrae is bent painfully and violently inwards, which would sever the spinal column, yet pushing the candy out of the opening that forms at the front of the neck. It is a good thing that the spine is severed, else the pain of having your neck ruptured would be overwhelming. And consider that all the dispensers are have had all their limbs removed. They are helpless - defenseless - unable to prevent you from further damaging their fragile bodies, extracting solid sucrose tumors from their make-shift tracheotomies. They would not be able to cry out in pain even without the spinal injury, as the "treat" passes right through the expected location of the larnyx. Think of the social ramifications of this dispenser.
The candy itself holds a darker side. The hardness of the candy is impressive. It is no coincidence that they are formed into tiny "bricks". Indeed, with enough of them, you could build a rather sound, if not colorful, scale model of many different buildings, including, but not limited to, the Great Pyramids, the Empire State Building, Taj Mahal, or even a facsimile of your local Dairy Queen. These candies, with their impressive strucural integrity, pose a clear threat to your teeth. An attempt to bite one of these bricks could result in painful trips to the dentist or oral surgeon. A chipped or cracked tooth is no laughing matter.
And not only does the physical structure of the candy pose a threat, but the composition as well. Sugar - pure and simple sugar: proven time and time again to promote tooth decay by the formation of acids that attack the tooth enamel. While your brain is dependent on the consumption of glucose, an excess of sugar is converted to fats. Likewise, the increased sugar levels in your blood leads to an increased demand for insulin by your pancreas. When pushed to its limits, this could lead to untimely onsets of type-2 diabetes, as your pancreas simply cannot maintain the bodies demand for insulin. Excess of sugar can also lead to overworking your kidneys, which could lead to the painful formation of kidney stones.
And what of the silicone dioxide used as a caking agent to hold the bricks together? Do you think silicone is so terribly inert? Dimethicone and simethicone are used to relieve indigenstional gas pressure, as well as act as a laxative. Sure, one PEZ candy won't do much, but what of the potential for gorging oneself on the candy. It is very easy to eat several entire packs in a row. Think of the unholy terror you could be unleashing upon your unsuspecting intestines.
Being that the candies contain an obvious amount of either citric acid or sodium citrate, consumption of this substance holds the ability to throw the body's electrolytic equillibrium off balance, which could lead to localized inflammation or cramps.
Yes, my friends, PEZ is a hidden threat - a supposedly simple candy that hides a depth of cuelty and evil within a plastic toy. Beware, for there is a reason they made the bounty hunter Boba Fett into a PEZ dispenser - a killer for hire.
Inspiration
