"The symptoms of what?"

"Male Fatigue Syndrome. MFS."

"What are you talking about? I feel fine."

"Sure, now. But when I asked you to vacuum the living room, you said you were too tired. When I asked you to take out the garbage you said, 'Later.' You sat at the kitchen table and watched me load the dishwasher this morning as if there was some huge weight on your shoulders preventing you from getting up and helping me. Then Willie calls, says let's play golf, and you couldn't jump up fast enough.

Whine, moan

"It's classic Male Fatigue Syndrome. You whine and moan about having to mow the lawn with your bad back but it suddenly clears up when you want to go bowling. You make up excuses to get out of little household chores, yet you've got plenty of energy to work on your car, and plenty of get up and go when it's time to ski. When I'm dead tired, you're up and at 'em. It's classic MFS. Of course you're ready to go. I've done all the work."

"That's odd," I played along, "I've never heard of Male Fatigue Syndrome."

"Most women have. It's a disease that strikes nine out of 10 husbands and there is only one known cure."

"Servants?"

"Only in extreme cases. Constant and endless nagging has proved most effective."

I pressed on. "How come women have heard of it and men haven't?"

"Because most often it occurs in men who also suffer from Male Deafness Disorder, MDD. It seems they can hear some things some of the time, but not all things all of the time. They can hear 'Dinner's ready.' but they can't hear 'Don't throw your clothes in a big heap on the bedroom floor.' They can hear football games on television but they can't hear 'Put the toilet seat down.' In severe cases of MDD, women have to start almost every sentence with the words 'How many times do I have to tell you ... "'

"I'm sorry," I said, "Did you say something?"

Common disease

"A perfect example of MSCC, a dreaded but common disease known as Male Selective Concentration Collapse. No known cure. For some reason, it strikes only men, men in their prime, men who could have lived happily together with their wives till the end of their days but instead become annoying and tedious within weeks of contracting MSCC. Most men who get it become unhappy, divorced, jobless winos who wander the streets rummaging through garbage and begging for food. I'd have that checked out if I were you. Diagnosed early, I could live a longer and happier life."

"Does practicing medicine without a license ever bother you? Don't you ever feel like you're taking a job away from a real quack?"

"Hmmpf," she snorted. "Where's all that anger coming from? It's the kind of delusional reaction one expects from someone suffering from WWMC — What? Who Me? Convulsions."

Who? Me!?! I'd have loved to hear more about these fascinating medical non-breakthroughs, but I just remembered that I had promised Dave I'd help him move. His wife kicked him out of the house last night for no reason at all. He was just sitting there watching television and suddenly she went bonkers. He swears he didn't do anything, that it was a bolt out of the blue. She just snapped. Walked into the living room while he was watching hockey and put Beaches in the VCR without saying a word! She took the remote and threw it right out the front door. He said, "I'm sure glad men don't go through menopause," and that's when it hit the fan.

Can you believe it? He just got back from a two-week hunting trip, brought her home 300 pounds of elk meat and she's complaining because he won't fix the roof leak in her sewing room. She won't even let him relax for a month or two. She's sick and he's paying the price.

What can I tell you? You just can't make some women happy. Jim Mullen can be reached at jim--mullen@ew.com.