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The Rules
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By Vladinator
from the Deal with it. department, Section Strange, but - true?
Posted on Mon Jul 08, 2002 at 03:39:58 PM GMT
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We've all heard of "The Rules" for women... Here's the rules from the male perspective! (Thanks Highlander!)
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| We always hear the rules from the female side of the fence. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note, these are all numbered "1" on purpose!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests for us to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sundays = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair on a woman. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be VERY clear on this one: subtle hints do not work, strong hints do not work, and obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries and any other dates that you consider important on calendars. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any help in choosing which pair, out of thirty would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girl friends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Anything we said in an argument 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument today. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the Soap Opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway...it's genetic. Besides, if we didn't look, we wouldn't be worth a damn to you.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And stop whining to your girl friend about it.
1. ALL men see in only basic colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what "mauve" is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act as if nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!
1. Don't ask us what we are thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign flicks are best left to foreigners. (Exception: Bruce Lee is cool...or some war flick where it really doesn't matter what the hell they're saying anyway).
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know that I have to sleep on the couch tonight. We really don't mind. It's like camping.
1. For the record...I AM in shape...round is a shape.
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