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Stuff to do in Rome
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By Big Dogs Cock
from the tourism department, Section Reviews
Posted on Sat Nov 02, 2002 at 02:39:20 PM GMT
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This is intended as a quick, informal guide for the cultured SRU reader on visiting the ancient city of Rome.
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Arrival: Well, for a country where practically everyone smokes, Fiumicino airport has a particularly sadistic surprise. Not only is the entire place non smoking, but they have especially slow baggage handlers. If you can get everything in hand luggage, then do. I'm sure there's something in the Geneva Convention about that. People will hassle you inside the airport for a taxi. Ignore them whatever you do - go to the official taxi rank. If you are tired/nicotine deprived enough to be taken in, you will be charged nearly $100 for having the shit scared out of you with an easy-listening soundtrack.
Things to see: Rome is tiny compared with, say, London so you can just wander around aimlessly and you'll come upon historical stuff. For a more organized view, generally the ancient Roman stuff is in the east of the city and the modern stuff (fountains, Spanish steps, Vatican) is to the west. Stuff like the Coliseum is pretty impressive and there are a range of cafes nearby so you can sit and drink while looking at it rather than actually foot-slogging around the thing which is, quite frankly, hard work.
The Vatican: The museum is really crowded. You're supposed to be quiet and not take photos, talk or sit down in the Sistine Chapel, but no fucker takes any notice. Maybe they should put the instructions in Japanese as well. Why these dumb fuckers think they can take a flash photo of a ceiling that is 70 foot up, I really don't know. They have tons of really expensive art there. Of course they could sell it and use the money to help the poor or something (like it says in the Bible) but apparently that's not an option. To avoid the crowds, either get there stupidly early or just buy postcards and sit in a bar outside.
Traffic: They are all fucking lunatics. You can hire a motor scooter for getting around but only if you've got serious psychological issues. Crossing the road, well if you wait for them to stop, you're going to be there a long time. Step into the road and clench buttocks. Try to move at a constant speed because it gives them a better chance of missing you. Sounding the horn is obligatory. I actually saw a car following an ambulance, with sirens and lights going, beep it to get out of the way.
Food and drink: Easy to get ripped off. Also fairly easy to get decent food quite cheaply. Read the menu carefully before you go in. Seafood pastas and stuff are nice. There are a lot of Chinese restaurants if you really want to travel all that way to eat something you can pick up in your home town. It's worth getting a taste for Grappa. At first this stuff tastes like jet fuel that has been infused with long distance runner's socks. If you make like you enjoy the local stuff though, they will start giving it away for free.
Getting around: Well, the bus system is much too complex if you're drunk. The metro is bearable as there are only two lines. If you don't mind walking and have some sort of a map, then that works. Taxis are reasonably priced though ($5 to go 2 miles).
Hangovers: Well, drinking beer followed by red wine followed by Grappa makes for a pretty impressive hangover. Add to that the traffic noise and pollution and you'll feel cruddy until the bars open again.
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