I should be clear that we did not actually go see the Harry Potter movie. We went to see 8 Mile, but I'm not really a pop rap fan so I didn't pay much attention to it. The Harry Potter film was in the theatre next to us and I spent a lot of time observing.
As mentioned above I had not found time to start drinking that day. Since the movie house doesn't serve alcohol I had no choice but to quickly stash a modest supply on my person for on premise consumption. My waistband held a hip flask full of L&G bourbon in the small of my back, two bottles of Anchor Steam went into each arm of my coat, and another hip flask of something (rum I think) went down the front my pants to be held in place by my hose. I busted a couple of James Brown moves to be sure that everything was secure, had Girl check me over for printing, and we headed to the movies.
All was going well until we made it to the theatre. In line to buy tickets were approximately 934 people, at least half of them children. Once we made it up to the ticket window we found that all of the children in line were either screaming in unison or chattering loudly about what was going to happen in the movie they were about to see, both the self service credit card ticket machines were broken, and a fat lady was trying to pay for herself and her entire brood with what I think was a third party check, but she didn't have any ID so some debate was going on.
While all this was going on some of the little ratfaced bastard kids started playing a game of run-around-and-slam-into-shit. Their worthless lifeless parents stood by and watched as the crowd descended into the kind of total chaos you would only see if a school bus full of first graders drove drove through the middle of a daycare center that was in the middle of being attacked by a band of Gameboy wielding midgets during a tornado. A short squatty little boy who smelled like burnt hair went careening into my left side and caused the flask of bourbon to dislodge. I now looked like I had shit a big flat block into my pants. I excused myself to go take a leak. Current Girl said "Save some for me.", which drew some stares.
When I get to the restroom there were 150 men in there trying to help their sons' get their pants off so that the sons could piss sideways onto the son standing next to them. Again there was screaming. I also noticed several 25-35 hippie Open Source types standing around looking suspicious, glancing at their watches or starting up at the ceiling interspersed with quick glances at the 4 year old boys who wanted to go see the movie with their stuff hanging out. I didn't want to get stampeded with all that liquor on me so I checked into a sit down stall. After rearranging myself and taking a few nips of the bourbon I headed back out.
As I walked back toward the ticket window I heard the unmistakable sound of a flask full of rum clanking into the slide of a Glock handgun. It took me a few seconds to realize that the sounds were coming from me, which should have been obvious considering I had both a Glock and a flask of rum in close proximity to one another. From where I was standing I was able to see that Current Girl was almost to the front of the line. I decided that she could tough it out without me and I started to work on rearranging the flask / gun configuration. One of the belt clips on the holster had slid off the belt and allowed the whole deal to cant to the center, which allowed the the portion of the slide that sticks up above the holster leather to clank against the flask. No matter what I did I couldn't get the thing back in place. The only option was to slide the flask up from my pants and into my coat sleeve. To do that I had to rearrange the beer bottles. There must have been some heightened gay linux hippie pedophile alert going on because the whole time I was doing this a security guard was eyeing me closely. Admittedly, I probably looked like I was trying to jerk off through my pants but I look abosultely nothing like Stallman or wear vulcan ears or ramble on about hoping they show the Lord of the Rings trailer before the movie, so I don't see how he could have thought I was one of them.
Current Girl shows up with a cup of something that she immediately dumps part of in the trash. As we are walking to the theatre I dump the contents of the rum flask into the cup. About that time we notice that the theatre we are supposed to go into isn't quite clean yet, not because a broom toting mongoloid mumbles something unintelligible, but because he has the entrance blocked off with a 'wet floor' cone.
Since she has all the rum and won't give it back, I step into the darkened entrace to another theatre and crack open a beer. From that vantage point I can see a small section of the screen through the windows in the door. The view was bad, but I could see enough to know that the movie playing was the Harry Potter one, or at least something very similar involving small children with English accents running around firing bolts of lightning at stuff. I was chugging beer, so it wasn't all bad.
To get to the movie review part, we finally got to sit down and watch something. I remember less about 8 Mile than I do about Harry Potter 2 because I was kept busy by the dual tasks of managing the alcohol supply and watching Current Girl's breasts try to escape from an unnecessarily restrictive V neck sweater. There was rapping, some of it funny, and a couple of fistfights. The Harry Potter 2 I didn't see was decidedly better than the Harry Potter 1 that I didn't see although both probably really suck ass and I would never willingly watch either of them unless I was hiding somewhere so I could drink beer. I suspect that they would be particularly fertile ground for the kind of boy watching that a Slashdot editor type would do. The bourbon took the edge off a fairly stressful evening. If you go see 8 Mile or Harry Potter 2 as I did, or if you see any movie at all, even one at home, I highly recommend Labrot & Graham bourbon and a girl with big boobs.
Inspiration
